Tumbling toward Satiety

And I’ll do my looking back with my eyes closed

So, without giving too much away in the event that anyone actually starts to follow me on Tumblr. I have a secret. Like a true to life, deep, dark, secret. One that I mostly try to put out of my head, but occasionally pops up from the depths of my subconscious in my dream state.

It actually hasn’t happened in a long while.

The thing is…I hid something. Lied about something very big to someone a couple of years ago. Now, the two most important adults in my life know about this. But, this someone who was once important enough for me to compromise my values and risk things that mattered most to me, I lied to in a MAJOR way. And to a very large extent the guilt about that weighs on me. Though, I like to think that I am better for it. I’m a little more understanding of other people’s weaknesses, a lot more forgiving. And I think I’m now much more honest with myself and others than I was in the past.

For largely personal reasons, I completely removed this person from my life at the time of the lie. The logistics weren’t difficult. We, each, were moving to different parts of the world. And I had much to focus on and work on in my tiny part of it. The relationship just passed. We have not communicated since.

But, thanks to the wonders of social networking sites, I have been able, when dream induced curiosity provokes me, to check-in without this person’s knowledge. As I said before, I haven’t thought specifically of this person in a long while. But, last night I had a dream. A dream so vivid that I felt it necessary to look and see if I could find out what was going on with this person. As it turns out, there is something pretty big going on. Something that ends last night and begins today. And I find that very creepy. Strange that I would think of this person when nothing in my life would cause it but something in this person’s life might.

But, maybe we should all be careful of the unions that we make, the unmaking of them might be more difficult than we first imagine.